A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his
customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove
it to you."
The barber puts a quarter in one hand and two nickels in the other,
then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the two nickels and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out
of the ice cream store.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take two nickels
instead of the quarter?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because THE DAY I TAKE THE
QUARTER, THE GAME IS OVER"
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Family problem
Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar
drinking shot after shot. The Indian man said to the American," You know
my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl
from a village whom I haven't even met once. We call this arranged
marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love...I told them
that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems." The American
said, " Talking about love marriages?.. . I'll tell you my story. I
married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. "After a
couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my
father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law. My
daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred
when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle.
Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son
I.e. My brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand
father and I am my own grandson.
And ya, whats the problem you said?
drinking shot after shot. The Indian man said to the American," You know
my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl
from a village whom I haven't even met once. We call this arranged
marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love...I told them
that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems." The American
said, " Talking about love marriages?.. . I'll tell you my story. I
married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. "After a
couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my
father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law. My
daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred
when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle.
Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son
I.e. My brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand
father and I am my own grandson.
And ya, whats the problem you said?
Plz help me out.. I wud be so grateful..
Dear Friend
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on
what could be a crucial decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs... phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although
when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work,
you don't know them."
I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab coming home, but she
always comes walking up the drive as I hear the sound of a car
leaving, around the corner, as if she has gotten out and walked the
rest of the way. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi at all?
I once picked up her cell phone, just to see what time it was. This
caused her to go completely berserk. She quickly snatched the phone
out of my hand and cursed me hysterically, screaming that I should
never touch her personal property, then accused me of trying to spy on
her.
Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep
down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out
again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to
park my Harley Davidson Lowrider next to the garage and then hide
behind it so I could get a good view of the street around the corner
when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my
motorcycle that I noticed a small amount of motor oil leaking through
the gasket between the rear head and rocker arm cover.
So... is this something I can easily repair myself or do you think I
should take it back to the dealer?
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on
what could be a crucial decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs... phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although
when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work,
you don't know them."
I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab coming home, but she
always comes walking up the drive as I hear the sound of a car
leaving, around the corner, as if she has gotten out and walked the
rest of the way. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi at all?
I once picked up her cell phone, just to see what time it was. This
caused her to go completely berserk. She quickly snatched the phone
out of my hand and cursed me hysterically, screaming that I should
never touch her personal property, then accused me of trying to spy on
her.
Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep
down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out
again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to
park my Harley Davidson Lowrider next to the garage and then hide
behind it so I could get a good view of the street around the corner
when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my
motorcycle that I noticed a small amount of motor oil leaking through
the gasket between the rear head and rocker arm cover.
So... is this something I can easily repair myself or do you think I
should take it back to the dealer?
Monday, February 11, 2008
Bihar Driving License...
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ========= =======
DERIVING LICENSE APPLIKASON PHOROM
------------ --------- --------- --------- --- ------------ --------- --
NOTE: Please do not soot the person at the applikason kounter.
He will give you the licen.
If you dot know how to fill ,copy from your phriend (dost)applikason.
For phurthar instructions, see bottom applikason.
1. Last name:
(_) Yadav (_) Tripathi (_) Pandey (_) Misra (_) Dont no
(Check karet box)
2. phust name:
(_) Ramprasad (_) Lakhan (_) Sivprasad (_) Jamnaprasad (_) Dont no
(Check karet box)
3. Age:
(_) Less than phipty (_) Greater than phipty (_) Dont no
(Check karet box)
4. Sex: ____ M _____(F) _____ not sure _____not applicable
5. Chappal Size: ____ Lepht ____ Right
6.Occupason:
(_) Politison (_) Doodhwala (_) Pehelwaan (_) House wife (_) Un-employed
(Check karet box)
7. Number of children libing in the household: ___
8. Number that are yourj: ___
9. Mather name: ____________ _________ __
10. Phather Name: ____________ ________ (If not no ,leabe blank)
11. Ejjucason: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest kilass attended)
12. Dental rekard:
(_) Ellow (_) Berownish-ellow (_) Berown (_) Belack (_) Other -__________ Give egjhakt color
(Check karet box)
13.Your thumb imparesson :
____________ _________ _______
(If you are copying from another applikason pharom, pleaje do not copy thumb impression also. Pleaje
provide your own thumb impression.)
PELEAJE DO NOT USE PHINGERS OF YOUR LEGS
Use thumb on your lepht hand only. If you dont have le pht hand, use your thumb on right hand. If you do not have right hand, use thumb on lepht hand.
NOTE : IF YOU DONT HAVE BOTH HANDS, YOU CANNOT DERIVE.
WE ARE VARY ISTRICT ABOUT THIS
DERIVING LICENSE APPLIKASON PHOROM
------------ --------- --------- --------- --- ------------ --------- --
NOTE: Please do not soot the person at the applikason kounter.
He will give you the licen.
If you dot know how to fill ,copy from your phriend (dost)applikason.
For phurthar instructions, see bottom applikason.
1. Last name:
(_) Yadav (_) Tripathi (_) Pandey (_) Misra (_) Dont no
(Check karet box)
2. phust name:
(_) Ramprasad (_) Lakhan (_) Sivprasad (_) Jamnaprasad (_) Dont no
(Check karet box)
3. Age:
(_) Less than phipty (_) Greater than phipty (_) Dont no
(Check karet box)
4. Sex: ____ M _____(F) _____ not sure _____not applicable
5. Chappal Size: ____ Lepht ____ Right
6.Occupason:
(_) Politison (_) Doodhwala (_) Pehelwaan (_) House wife (_) Un-employed
(Check karet box)
7. Number of children libing in the household: ___
8. Number that are yourj: ___
9. Mather name: ____________ _________ __
10. Phather Name: ____________ ________ (If not no ,leabe blank)
11. Ejjucason: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest kilass attended)
12. Dental rekard:
(_) Ellow (_) Berownish-ellow (_) Berown (_) Belack (_) Other -__________ Give egjhakt color
(Check karet box)
13.Your thumb imparesson :
____________ _________ _______
(If you are copying from another applikason pharom, pleaje do not copy thumb impression also. Pleaje
provide your own thumb impression.)
PELEAJE DO NOT USE PHINGERS OF YOUR LEGS
Use thumb on your lepht hand only. If you dont have le pht hand, use your thumb on right hand. If you do not have right hand, use thumb on lepht hand.
NOTE : IF YOU DONT HAVE BOTH HANDS, YOU CANNOT DERIVE.
WE ARE VARY ISTRICT ABOUT THIS
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Get a job.. Its easy..
An Irishman applied for a job on a construction site, but the foreman wouldn't hire him until he passed a simple maths test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Irishman says, "Dat is easy," and proceeded to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asked.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," said the Irishman.
"Fair enough," said the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Irishman stared into space for a while, then picked up the picture that he has just drawn and made a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratched his head and said, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss was getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he said, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Irishman stared into space some more, then he picked up the picture again and made a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looked at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Irishman leaned forward and pointed to the marks at the base of each tree and said, "A little dog came along and crapped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."
"So, when do I start?"
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Irishman says, "Dat is easy," and proceeded to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asked.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," said the Irishman.
"Fair enough," said the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Irishman stared into space for a while, then picked up the picture that he has just drawn and made a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratched his head and said, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss was getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he said, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Irishman stared into space some more, then he picked up the picture again and made a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looked at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Irishman leaned forward and pointed to the marks at the base of each tree and said, "A little dog came along and crapped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."
"So, when do I start?"
Accident
My darling husband,
Before you return from your business trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway.
Fortunately it was not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.
I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.
The garage door is slightly bent but the pickup fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.
I am really sorry, but I know you will forgive me since it was just an accident.
I am enclosing a picture for you.
I can't wait to see you…
Your loving wife.
XXX
P.S. Your girlfriend called.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
A Pathetic Story!! Plz Don laugh..
En per padum paadu!!! As Kalaivani narrates..
My full name is Kalaivani, but I call myself Kalai. This is not for scene, ...like how Madhavan does in Anbe Sivam (Anbarasu --> Ars).it has a looooong and pathetic history...
I started hearing different versions of my name after coming to this country, and the painful fact is all the possible permutations and combinations of vowels in my name give meaningful words in tamil!!!
When I first joined the university, my professor wrote to me..
Dear KALAvani (meaning: thief; context: kalavani paya..)
... ... ...
Sari adhuvachum typo nu free ya vittudalam..
Then after a year, I joined a company for internship.those people called me before I joined, to inform me about some test which I had to take..
"Hello is this Ms. Kizhavaani?" (meaning: old; context : kizha bolt..etc.)
"No..this is KALAIvaani"
"Ohh..am sorry KALAvaani" (Marupadiyum...)
Then I decided.periya pera irukkinala thane ivlo confusion?!! So, I started calling myself 'Kalai'... but the story continued..
I joined my full-time position in another company recently. On my first day, we had a meeting..
"Let's all welcome our new associate.Ms. Kulai" (meaning: bunch; context: kulai kulaiyai vazhaipazham kaaithadhu)
CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! Followed by smiles.
(Dei.ennangada... ellarum serndhu comedy panreengala???)
Anniku arambichadhu...
Once my boss and I were talking about a project... after finishing the meeting...
"Ok, Kali. Nice to have you here!" (meaning: last yuga; context: kali muthi pochu.)
"That's KALAI" (Enakku idhu thevaya?!)
"Ohh kAALi?" (meaning: goddess; context: badrakaali..)
"Hee hee .very close" (Podaannnggg...!!)
So, I stopped correcting my name after that..!
One fine morning, I was working.
"Hey kiLai (meaning: branch; context: marakiLai) .howz it going?"
"Yea good" (Sollitu thirumbitten. Nammaluku edhuku indha per thiruthura business nu...)
"Is that how you say your name?"
(Aaahaa arambichutanya...!!!)
"Uhhh. It's KALAI"
"Kolaai?" (meaning:pump; context: kozhai adi sandai.)
(Venaaammm...)
"Kolai?" (meaning: murder; context: kolai panniduven..)
(Venaam!)
"kaLai?" (meaning: weed; context: kaLai pudinguradhu.)
(Valikkudhu... azhudhuduven...)
"May be I'll get your name with practice. Haha."
(Idhellam remba over da dei... Tamil la paatha rende rendu ezhuthu thaan da!!!)
Ennada, Chandramukhi la thalaivar 'durga' perai nakkaladikkira maathiri... namma per ayiduche nu nenaikkum podhu... my friend came up with a brilliant idea!
Adhavadhu... to compare my name with a word.so I started using this word 'kaleidoscope'; which has the same pronunciation as 'kalai'!
So, I started telling everyone. 'Kalai as in kaleidoscope'!. Ippo kooda romba ellam ozhunga solradhulla. They are saying 'kalaai' (kalaaikiradhu)..
"Hey Kalaai!!"
"Yea?"
"Just trying to say your name. Ha ha ha"
"Ohhh ..how sweet!" (thooo thEri..)
Yedho vaandhi edukkira effect la per irundhalum... my life was in peace...
until few days back...
My net connection was down, so I called up the customer service (En kiragam. Madras call center ku pochu!)
Enakku andha vishayame theriyala. So I started in complete American accent...
"Your name ma'am?"
"Kalaai"
"What? Can you repeat ma'am?"
" Kalaai as in kaleidoscope"
"I didn't get that ma'am. Can I have your number? I can check the records"
(Sigh!... and gave the number)
"Ohh, Kalaivani, right?" (in a sarcastic tone.)
(Ada paavi makka... nee nammooora??!!! All American accents stopped.
Back to Indian accent.)
I could clearly see what he was thinking... per paatha 'urs pammingly' nu podra category maathiri irukku... scene podradhu mattum princess Diana range kaa...
Anna... naan sathyama andha maathiri illeeenganna!!!
My full name is Kalaivani, but I call myself Kalai. This is not for scene, ...like how Madhavan does in Anbe Sivam (Anbarasu --> Ars).it has a looooong and pathetic history...
I started hearing different versions of my name after coming to this country, and the painful fact is all the possible permutations and combinations of vowels in my name give meaningful words in tamil!!!
When I first joined the university, my professor wrote to me..
Dear KALAvani (meaning: thief; context: kalavani paya..)
... ... ...
Sari adhuvachum typo nu free ya vittudalam..
Then after a year, I joined a company for internship.those people called me before I joined, to inform me about some test which I had to take..
"Hello is this Ms. Kizhavaani?" (meaning: old; context : kizha bolt..etc.)
"No..this is KALAIvaani"
"Ohh..am sorry KALAvaani" (Marupadiyum...)
Then I decided.periya pera irukkinala thane ivlo confusion?!! So, I started calling myself 'Kalai'... but the story continued..
I joined my full-time position in another company recently. On my first day, we had a meeting..
"Let's all welcome our new associate.Ms. Kulai" (meaning: bunch; context: kulai kulaiyai vazhaipazham kaaithadhu)
CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! Followed by smiles.
(Dei.ennangada... ellarum serndhu comedy panreengala???)
Anniku arambichadhu...
Once my boss and I were talking about a project... after finishing the meeting...
"Ok, Kali. Nice to have you here!" (meaning: last yuga; context: kali muthi pochu.)
"That's KALAI" (Enakku idhu thevaya?!)
"Ohh kAALi?" (meaning: goddess; context: badrakaali..)
"Hee hee .very close" (Podaannnggg...!!)
So, I stopped correcting my name after that..!
One fine morning, I was working.
"Hey kiLai (meaning: branch; context: marakiLai) .howz it going?"
"Yea good" (Sollitu thirumbitten. Nammaluku edhuku indha per thiruthura business nu...)
"Is that how you say your name?"
(Aaahaa arambichutanya...!!!)
"Uhhh. It's KALAI"
"Kolaai?" (meaning:pump; context: kozhai adi sandai.)
(Venaaammm...)
"Kolai?" (meaning: murder; context: kolai panniduven..)
(Venaam!)
"kaLai?" (meaning: weed; context: kaLai pudinguradhu.)
(Valikkudhu... azhudhuduven...)
"May be I'll get your name with practice. Haha."
(Idhellam remba over da dei... Tamil la paatha rende rendu ezhuthu thaan da!!!)
Ennada, Chandramukhi la thalaivar 'durga' perai nakkaladikkira maathiri... namma per ayiduche nu nenaikkum podhu... my friend came up with a brilliant idea!
Adhavadhu... to compare my name with a word.so I started using this word 'kaleidoscope'; which has the same pronunciation as 'kalai'!
So, I started telling everyone. 'Kalai as in kaleidoscope'!. Ippo kooda romba ellam ozhunga solradhulla. They are saying 'kalaai' (kalaaikiradhu)..
"Hey Kalaai!!"
"Yea?"
"Just trying to say your name. Ha ha ha"
"Ohhh ..how sweet!" (thooo thEri..)
Yedho vaandhi edukkira effect la per irundhalum... my life was in peace...
until few days back...
My net connection was down, so I called up the customer service (En kiragam. Madras call center ku pochu!)
Enakku andha vishayame theriyala. So I started in complete American accent...
"Your name ma'am?"
"Kalaai"
"What? Can you repeat ma'am?"
" Kalaai as in kaleidoscope"
"I didn't get that ma'am. Can I have your number? I can check the records"
(Sigh!... and gave the number)
"Ohh, Kalaivani, right?" (in a sarcastic tone.)
(Ada paavi makka... nee nammooora??!!! All American accents stopped.
Back to Indian accent.)
I could clearly see what he was thinking... per paatha 'urs pammingly' nu podra category maathiri irukku... scene podradhu mattum princess Diana range kaa...
Anna... naan sathyama andha maathiri illeeenganna!!!
Lessons learnt from Alaipayuthey!!!
1. Never miss a marriage of your friend in the village because some city figures do come there and they may or you may get interested in each other...
2. Never ask a stranger about a girl unless you are sure that he is not her father...
3. If you travel by electric train please look out of the window... ;-)
4. All software engineers think logically... [Or at least they think so] otherwise how would you end up to 70 females from 3.5 million?? [And they have a couple of them as friends who would agree to this logic]
5. When you first meet your girl and she shouts at you and asks whether you have no other work, take this word:"that is the best sign a relationship can get started with"...and don't forget to speed in the beach shouting at the top of your voice "Ava enna thittita!!!"
6. The easiest way to let your parents know your lover is to invite her to your house and inform others about your plan.[and she should know to sing "alaipayuthey" with a voice like Harini!!!]
7. When you say "I love you" try to know what it means because girls now a days expect you to know what it means.. [Hero: "I Love You" Heroine: "appadina"??]
8. Never let your parents go and do the talking!!! They spoil it up. (This is always True; Take my word for it!!!)
9. When your daughters suddenly wear gorgeous Saris please be sure that she is either going to her kadhalan's house for a function or getting married...
10. When you do a "Thiruttu Kalyanam" get Rahman to sing his version of "Mangalyam Thanthunane" since the old version is considered inauspicious in such occasions!!!
11. When you hug your wife's sister [for reasons of your own] make sure your wife is not in the vicinity. Your wife's husband won't mind though...
12. There is some "Ilicha vaayan" Software company in California who would give a $2 million contract to a software outfit in Chennai with a staffing of 5 to 6 people...
13. And finally the MESSAGE of the film: When you talk to your girl please add this line: "Nee alaga illai.. Nee illaama vazha mudiyathunnu ninaikkale... aana please road cross pannum pothu paathu cross pannu"
2. Never ask a stranger about a girl unless you are sure that he is not her father...
3. If you travel by electric train please look out of the window... ;-)
4. All software engineers think logically... [Or at least they think so] otherwise how would you end up to 70 females from 3.5 million?? [And they have a couple of them as friends who would agree to this logic]
5. When you first meet your girl and she shouts at you and asks whether you have no other work, take this word:"that is the best sign a relationship can get started with"...and don't forget to speed in the beach shouting at the top of your voice "Ava enna thittita!!!"
6. The easiest way to let your parents know your lover is to invite her to your house and inform others about your plan.[and she should know to sing "alaipayuthey" with a voice like Harini!!!]
7. When you say "I love you" try to know what it means because girls now a days expect you to know what it means.. [Hero: "I Love You" Heroine: "appadina"??]
8. Never let your parents go and do the talking!!! They spoil it up. (This is always True; Take my word for it!!!)
9. When your daughters suddenly wear gorgeous Saris please be sure that she is either going to her kadhalan's house for a function or getting married...
10. When you do a "Thiruttu Kalyanam" get Rahman to sing his version of "Mangalyam Thanthunane" since the old version is considered inauspicious in such occasions!!!
11. When you hug your wife's sister [for reasons of your own] make sure your wife is not in the vicinity. Your wife's husband won't mind though...
12. There is some "Ilicha vaayan" Software company in California who would give a $2 million contract to a software outfit in Chennai with a staffing of 5 to 6 people...
13. And finally the MESSAGE of the film: When you talk to your girl please add this line: "Nee alaga illai.. Nee illaama vazha mudiyathunnu ninaikkale... aana please road cross pannum pothu paathu cross pannu"
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